Here it is, the end of the Seattle Sounders’ third season, and our beloved team still has no mascot. What gives? The Portland Timbers have earned acres of press since joining MLS last spring—thanks in large part to their manly mascot, “Timber Joey,” a lumberjack who wields an actual (not foam!) chainsaw during games. Surely the Sounders can come up with an equally intimidating yet Northwesterly icon. Here are a few suggestions:
The Sounders Flounder
Much like the “Seattle process,” the Flounder has the power to mire anything in the mud. Opponents will need an initiative vote to win!
The Sounders Viaduct
Is there anything more threatening? It’ll have opponents begging, “Please don’t fall down on me!”
The Sounders Geoduck
What could be more intimidating than that grotesquely phallic neck-proboscis thing? Possible crowd cheer: “You’ve been slimed!”
The Sounders Sound
Acid rain, cruise ship pollution, city stormwater runoff—it’s positively toxic. Approach at your own risk!
The Sounders Squatch
What else is he doing?