Holy splintering headboards! There's less than 48 hours before I get to see Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the latest installment of the Twilight movies.
I won’t be fighting my way through hoards of shrieking tweens (the tickets for opening night sold out too fast). I’ll be up north with the refined 21+ crowd, enjoying overpriced beer and fried cheese sticks with our matinee showing at Cinebarre.
Because what goes better with morose teens contemplating the afterlife, abstinence and butchered Native American mythology than the kind of food that needs a coating of Ranch dressing to be digested correctly? Hey, I’m the first to admit my love for Twilight is a shameful mark of blatant hypocrisy and bad taste.
And here’s why no one can say anything to stop me:
1. If all entertainment was supposed to be “good,” things like Anime, Kim Kardashian, A Prairie Home Companion and Monk would not be permitted to exist. Did I get everybody? Let’s throw in Jimmy Fallon, just to be safe.
2. I can’t get enough of Kristen Stewart’s approach to acting, in which she pretends to repeatedly throw up in her mouth. The variation she manages is truly Oscar-worthy.
3. I’m planning a wedding. Have you ever planned a wedding? It’s a crazy-making process in which one tricks themselves into thinking they can craft a memorable life event in cinematic proportions – but which they ultimately have very little control over and (so I hear) barely get to participate in. It’s basically like throwing a big party at which you get to attend as the janitor. During the Twilight movie wedding, I will be seated up front with no responsibility whatsoever. And my vicarious, simple joy for that shall carry over into a grand time at my own wedding, right down to putting away the last folding chair and paying the caterer.
4. OK, I can't justify watching baby-faced Taylor Lautner in the context of this story. He’s probably 43 in reality, but it still feels really inappropriate for anyone outside the ages of 14-20 to watch him take his shirt off.
5. As a person who has never been pregnant, I find the horribly creepy “a foreign creature is inside you and it is crushing you from the inside out”-plot line to be quite poignant. Call it a cautionary tale I can get behind.
6. The Twilight books are badly written fantasies about attaining unattainable love. If you don’t recall even a little bit of that from your own middle/high school diary, you may actually be a vampire. In which case, we should totally hang out.
7. I have to know: HTF do you correctly pronounce “Renesmee?”
See you this weekend, Twihards