Heartbeat
When Your Mind Makes a Promise That Your Body Can’t Fill
Aging is inevitable. We must accept it with grace and gratitude.
By Dr. Pepper Schwartz January 2, 2025

This article originally appeared in the November/December 2024 issue of Seattle magazine.
Denial is not always a bad thing. I practice it religiously, albeit selectively. I know my age is getting close to the beginning of my eighth decade, but I choose to see that as just the start of another one. I am also into denial about what my true hair color might be if I were ever to let it grow out (I will not).
And, until recently, I thought it was extremely important to pretend my hardiness was the same as it has always been. All this denial, of course, exceeds rationality.
Now, I have data that helps me avoid certain realities. Though I am in my late 70s, I still work, often 12-hour days. I still ride (although not alone anymore), and I will still drive over the mountains just to have lunch with my daughter. Night, however, no longer seems as effortless to navigate as it used to be.
So, with some resolute focus, I could continue my Pollyanna approach to aging if it were not for those annoying recurrent aches and pains that have cut into what was a really a superior denial system. The fact is, my body, not my brain, has been telling me that getting older is not just a number.
Take, for example, my feet. They have never been beautiful, but they have been perfectly serviceable until the last couple of years. The big toe that I broke many years ago has now decided to remind me that broken bones turn arthritic. That’s recurrent ache No. 1. Then there’s the hamstring that I tore years ago when my heel slid across a floor leaving a health spa. Ironic then, recurrent pain now.
And there should be a special category for random aches. Back pain after gardening for a few hours. A stifer neck that frequently starts my morning. A calf that spasms when I stretch it. I resent every single one of these body betrayals.
Now, I know I am being ungrateful. A truly tough part of this stage of life is seeing friends or family members tussling with serious, often tragic conditions. I have people I love who have lost their spouse, or suffer from impaired sight, hearing, or mobility. I see lifelong friends facing potentially terminal diseases. And they make me reflect on the truth of that famous Bette Davis quote: “Old age isn’t for sissies.”
But I do not want to submit to a doom and gloom frame of mind. I want to stay as ambitious about living life as fully as I can. In that vein, I want to interpret my aches, pains and subsequent groans somewhat differently. Yes, various pain points are proof that time is not only passing but taking a toll. But I choose to see this not as a cause for depression, but rather as a clarion call to use my time well, and to use every ability that remains. My body is giving me data that my mind, try as it will, cannot completely ignore.
I must acknowledge that if we are lucky, and life is long, the cost of continuing the journey includes physical challenges, and some of them are a harbinger of greater challenges to come. How I recast this information is to use it as a reminder to cherish each day more than I might if my almost impeccable denial system worked perfectly.
Anti-inflammatories in hand, I work with my body to do the best I can, and enjoy everything I still can do. I do not love pain, of course, but I accept every ache as just an inevitable cost of being fortunate enough to be on this Earth.
Q. My husband and I have had fertility problems, and anyone who has had this go on for a long time knows how much pressure this puts on a relationship. Besides struggling with guilt and pre-occupation with creating a family, sex must be at a certain time, whether you feel like it or not. I know I am very fortunate. My insurance covers the huge expenses that allow us to try repeatedly. But honestly, our sex life has become a chore. It’s all about the baby, not about making love. At least that’s the way I feel about it, and that’s the problem. My husband has noticed that I have lost any interest in sex other than getting pregnant. I know this isn’t fair, but that’s my reality. What do you suggest?
I have heard about many experiences like this. One story was tough to hear: The couple tried for 10 years and at the end of the decade, they did get pregnant and have a son, but by that time, the wife said she didn’t even want to be touched by her husband, much less have sex. So, I get it.
Still, the impetus for this marriage was only in part organized about creating a family. It was also about romance, attraction, compatibility, and a lifestyle. And all those things are still important and are still part of the vows you have made, and the promises you have shared, that are about more than having children.
So, make note of this: The first part of finding your way back to each other is to remember the totality of who you are together and be grateful for the partnership that you chose. Remember all the things you share, the fun you have had, and the fun you can plan. If too much of your life together seems grim and desperate, you must recreate warm, happy and loving events that naturally stir up feelings of attraction. But don’t put pressure on yourselves to make it sexual right away — let yourselves remember feeling of longing for a sexual connection.
Do some sensual things. If you can, splurge on a couple’s massage, or go to a massage class together. Get trained to give each other body pleasure. Perhaps take some Yoga as a couple — search out some of the relaxing or sensual ones that help you feel emotionally connected.
Maybe go dancing or go to concerts where the music takes you over and could even turns you on. Get physical and relate physically to each other without feeling that everything has to end in sex.
Hopefully, sex becomes less a medical and clinical event and more of something satisfying on an emotional and physical level. But if it doesn’t come back right away, don’t despair. You are under a complex set of feelings, and may also be on some medications that interrupt the way you used to turn to one another. Play the long game and know that you will eventually want each other again. If your husband is feeling hurt or shut out, don’t ignore his feelings: He is missing you. Be affectionate even if you can’t be sexual right now. Make sure he knows how special he is to you. Perhaps you are already getting some therapy, but if you are, make sure you bring up all these feelings, and get further suggestions from your counselor on ways to make you feel good about enjoying touch again.
I know it feels like your desire for your husband will never come back, but most often, it does. Don’t lose hope. And, while I think it is wonderful that you recognize that your husband needs a sexual connection with you — please remember that sex is also a gift that you need, and you are just temporarily stymied, and unable to receive it. That being the case, still do everything you can to protect your sexual connection. Why is it so important? Because your sexual relationship is there to give you many benefits that have nothing to do with reproduction — chief among them, orgasms that releases oxytocin — aptly named, the “ bliss hormone.” Oxytocin creates feelings of togetherness, attachment, and love. It also helps both partners have that amazing peak moment when they feel filled to the brim with happiness and gratitude for the awesome ecstatic pleasure they have created together.
I know that your journey to parenthood has its own requirements, and it may not be possible to interrupt your sexual schedule right now. But try to reconfigure enough of your physical approach to one another so that sex creates a firmer, not weaker, foundation to your future.
About Heartbeat: Ask Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Welcome to my world!
I spend a lot of time thinking about intimate relationships.
If you’ve read any of my previous work as a professor at the University of Washington, or watched me on television, you know that I care about what keeps people together, what drives them apart and what gives them pleasure. I am curious about trends, but also unique behaviors. I look at people above the clavicle and below the waist. It’s all interesting and important to me.
I know it is to you, too. I want to hear what you’re thinking. Please ask me questions or give your point of view at Pepper@seattlemag.com and I will respond, if appropriate, online and perhaps in print.
Let’s have some meaningful conversations – and some fun while we’re at it!
So, what’s on my mind today?
