Love & Wisdom
Why Do Childless Cat Ladies Get All the Attention?
I’m a man without kids. Don’t I deserve some enmity?
By Danny O’Neil October 8, 2024
I am a childless dog guy and to be honest, I feel a little left out.
The cat ladies without kids seem to get all of the attention, and I don’t find this to be entirely fair.
I was there when my wife and I decided we weren’t going to procreate. I would go so far as to say I was 50% of that decision, and yet a certain vice-presidential candidate has neglected me entirely when it comes to assigning responsibility for the contemporary state of the country. It was “the childless cat ladies,” he said to the ambulatory smirk that is Tucker Carlson, “who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too.”
What about me? I’ve been childless throughout my 16-year marriage. Don’t I deserve some blame, too?
I suppose I should be used to it by now. Men are never going to be scrutinized the same way as women when it comes to the decision not to have children.
When I tell someone we don’t have kids, I’m often congratulated. This is especially true if it’s another guy. He’ll joke that I’m smart or point to the college fund I don’t need to start. I’ll respond by saying that I’ll probably die old and alone, we’ll have a brief chuckle and then move on to a less sensitive topic.
I’ve noticed a difference when my wife is there. The question of why — exactly — we didn’t have kids looms much more ominously over the conversation. Sometimes it’s subtle, the raised eyebrows and hushed tones of a person who’s worried our lack of a child might be a source of great pain or the result of an underlying medical condition. Occasionally, it’s more direct.
I actually don’t mind talking about it. My only concern is that people with children tend to feel I’m judging their decision when I’m absolutely not. This isn’t about saving the planet or any sort of political statement. There’s no medical issue here. It wasn’t an issue of fertility or potency.
We were each 34 when we got married, and while we both thought we’d wind up having kids, it wasn’t something either of us saw as a part of the pact.
There was no specific moment when our plans changed. No single event. We’d been married for three years when we began discussing the possibility of not having kids. Our career ambitions were certainly part of the consideration, as was the possibility we might move abroad or travel.
For me, the question of fatherhood is complicated by the fact that my dad died at the age of 38 after a prolonged and debilitating illness. I was 13, and my adolescence following this loss was very difficult.
I certainly wasn’t against the idea of being a father, but it wasn’t something that I’ve felt inexorably pulled to, either. I married my wife because I wanted to be her partner, and if kids were part of that, great. If not, that was OK, too. I wanted (and want to) be with her. Well, her and Simba, our 6-year-old dog who is the most recent of the four Chinese Shar-Pei that we’ve adopted over the years.
I think if you’re going to have a child, you should want that child with everything you have, and I’ve never felt that level of certainty. I remain very aware that I may wind up regretting our decision, but I do not believe this fear of regret was sufficient reason to have a child.
The freedom to make choices like this is nothing short of a blessing, and it’s one of the things I value most about our country and its system of governance. It never really occurred to me that people would care all that much about our decision until my wife wrote about it.
She is a journalist as well, and back in 2013 she wrote a column for The Seattle Times explaining our decision, which was subtly titled, “Why I’m not having kids.”
I made a mistake after it was published. I read the comments that were posted below the online version.
First, there were the posts from people who were earnestly and desperately trying to convince my wife that she was depriving herself of the greatest joy she could ever experience. Then there were people who were much angrier, more accusatory, and saw the decision as selfish and a threat to a way of life. Then there were a few that expressed sympathy for her husband (me).
It made me very angry, and as a reporter who was employed at that newspaper, I reacted the best way I knew how: I typed a strongly worded email. I planned to send this note to the masthead editors on our publication questioning why anonymous comments were allowed on the newspaper’s website. I think the analogy I settled on was that a restaurant doesn’t let people who aren’t eating there lobby and shout insults at the chef.
I called my wife to tell her how mad I was and about this, and she instructed me to stop reading the comments and then to delete the email I’d drafted. It was the first of many times I’ve realized I’m not tough enough to be a woman on the iInternet, which is chock full of anonymous little pissants who find all sorts of nooks and crannies where they can deposit their venom.
Come to think of it, that description fits contemporary politics as well.
In case you haven’t heard, Kamala Harris does not have biological children, and a number of rival politicians have mentioned this as if it’s some sort of electoral concern including that chud of a vice-presidential candidate I mentioned earlier.
You know who else didn’t have biological kids? George Washington, as well as four other men who’ve been elected president –, but somehow, it’s never as big of a deal for the dudes.
There’s also the fact that Harris has been a co-parent to her husband’s two children from a previous marriage, and while it’s worth pointing out all the different models of parenthood, I don’t want it to seem like there needs to be any explanation or defense of why Harris has not given birth.
It’s not like this is an especially uncommon situation. The U.S. Census released a special report in 2021 which found that one 1 in 6 adults over the age of 55 do not have children. It’s a number that is expected to rise.
Each of those people has their own story behind that reality, and while I wouldn’t presume to speak for any of them, I feel comfortable in stating that it’s the women who are more likely to be scrutinized and judged over this fact, which is too bad. It’s not a woman’s responsibility to have children, but rather her choice.
I do think people should be parents, if they want to be. And if they don’t, I don’t think that’s anyone’s business but theirs.
If conservatives are concerned about the number of people who are opting not to have kids, my suggestion would be to do support things that will ease the burdens that parents face by improving child -care options and providing more family leave.
If they are going to insist on criticizing women who don’t have children, I would simply ask to be included. I don’t think it’s fair that childless dog guys are always left out of the conversation.