The Needling's 2019 Year in Review: The Biggest Clues That Our Days Are Numbered

The Emerald City didn’t need to look any farther than its own backyard this year to see how quickly we’re all approaching our inevitable demise
| FROM THE PRINT EDITION |
 
 
Don’t change that channel, because if you do Seattle won’t be the only one dying

This article appears in print in the December 2019 issue and is part of our of the Year in Review feature. Click here to subscribe.

WARNING: What you are about to read is not true, accurate or representative of Seattle magazine’s professional opinion, but it sure is funny.

KOMO: Drug-addicted Cannibal Perverts Outside Will Eat Your Family If You Change Channel
Local audiences have been glued to their TV screens for months since watching the “Seattle Is Dying” follow-up news special, “The Cannibals Are Coming,” a groundbreaking report informing everyone that changing the channel will immediately result in their family being feasted on by a growing citywide militia of human cannibals. “In the past six months, I’ve only momentarily turned away from my TV to report every sound I’m hearing from the outside world onto NextDoor and the Safe Seattle Facebook group,” said Tony Griffith of Ballard. “It’s crazy what’s happening out there, but like Eric Johnson said, you can’t just make this stuff up.”

Minnesota Transplant Braved Snowpocalypse Searching for Trapped Seattle Motorists to Mock
A rare “snowpocalypse” crippled the city of Seattle early this year, but from within the blizzard, a new hero emerged. A mysterious Minnesota transplant reportedly braved the arctic flurry to rescue trapped motorists, pausing in his heroic efforts only to mock their inability to navigate the snowfall. Rescued motorists hoped to thank their savior, but the mysterious hero rushed off to save the next motorist, leaving only a cry of “You call this snow? We call this July in Duluth!” ringing out into the cold, winter night.



Male Birth Control Test Group Reports Uptick in Weeping into Hungry Man Dinner While Watching Bromantic Comedies
Clinical trials for a new male birth control drug have garnered mixed reviews, as the treatment group reported a significant increase in weeping uncontrollably and phoning their old frat buddies following repeated viewings of 21 Jump Street and I Love You, Man. “I just want to find a platonic love as pure as Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill,” sobbed one respondent, shoveling microwaved Salisbury steak into his mouth. “I’ll even be the Jonah Hill, if that’s what it takes to find true bromance.”

In Hindsight, Boeing Admits Ikea-inspired ‘Assemble Your Own Fuselage’ Strategy Probably a Mistake 
Boeing’s reputation and stock have taken a historic dive this year, following an ill-advised cost-cutting strategy to ship unassembled airplane components to its customers packaged with vague instructions and extraneous parts. “We’re fairly sure we did this right, but we have a few leftover industrial screws that are a little concerning,” said an unnamed engineer for a major airline. “But I’ve assembled countless shelves and end tables from heaps dumped on my living room floor with mostly structurally sound results, so it’s probably fine? At least these instructions aren’t in Swedish.” 



Mmmm, sweet, sweet science experiment. Photo by Alex Crook (Dochi)

Mochi Doughnuts Prove Desserts Now Genetically Mutating of Their Own Accord
Mass hysteria erupted in the Chinatown–International District this year when a mochi-doughnut hybrid was discovered mutating inside the Uwajimaya food court. “Good God, it looks like an engorged colon eating itself, but this cookies and cream with cookie butter drizzle is so delicious,” said one customer of the mutations being sold by dessert shop Dochi. By press time, giant, crispy yet chewy glazed ube, taro–Fruity Pebbles and matcha-Oreo-flavored mochi doughnuts had broken out of the store, storming the streets to everyone’s hedonistic delight.

Environmental Experts Fear Extinction of Native E-bike Population with Introduction of E-scooter Species
Local environmentalists were called into action this year following legislation allowing the introduction of a new species of e-scooter into the local ride-share ecosystem. “Have we learned nothing from the environmental devastation that Australia incurred to their endemic taxi population when Uber was introduced?” asked Beth Winstead, lead cycologist at the University of Washington. “Between the number of e-bikes tossed into Green Lake and the unspeakable toll they suffer each year during the nude bike ride at Solstice, the ecosystem is already on the brink. We just don’t know if the population can survive the introduction of a new competitor.”

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Warning: What you are about to read is not true, accurate or representative of Seattle magazine’s professional opinion, but it sure is funny